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Behind the scenes

LET’S CONNECT ON INSTAGRAM

You should meet my husband. AKA Modestas 🥹 Not be

You should meet my husband. AKA Modestas 🥹

Not because he’s perfect.
But because loving someone properly is actually a skill… and that man has carried me through some of the hardest, heaviest, most beautiful seasons of my life.

He’s seen ambition, grief, stress, joy, chaos, exhaustion, excitement, anxiety and every version in between. The polished version. The messy version. The version that shuts down and the version that talks too much. 😂

And through all of it, he’s never made me feel like I was “too much” to love.

I think people massively underestimate how much who you choose to build a life with shapes your entire life.

Your nervous system notices.
Your confidence notices.
Your healing notices.
Your joy notices.

Anyway… highly recommend marrying your best friend. 🤍

Not really sure how to “return to normal content”

Not really sure how to “return to normal content” when life has basically body-slammed me into another dimension 🙃

A few weeks ago I was hosting a cycling retreat in Spain while my mum was terminally ill back home.
I worked 15-hour days.
Came home.
My mum died 5 days before my wedding.

Then somehow I got married while carrying the weirdest mix of love, shock, gratitude and heartbreak imaginable.

Now I’m on honeymoon, standing on a windy beach trying to process the fact that when I get home, real life is waiting:
Funeral plans.
Paperwork.
Empty spaces.
Grief.
And still chasing payment for work I already did while my world was falling apart.

The old version of me still exists somewhere.
The fitness instructor.
The motivational one.
The organised one.
The “you’ve got this” one.

But I’d be lying if I said I’m the same person right now.

So this reel is partly an experiment.
Does the algorithm prefer polished content…
or honesty?

Either way, if you see this:
🤍 like it
🤍 comment anything so it reaches more people
🤍 save it so you can come back for the inevitable “did she ever get paid?” update
🤍 share it with someone who’s quietly going through it
🤍 follow if you want the real, unfiltered version of this next chapter

Because apparently this is my life now 🌧️

Every day since losing my mum, I have to make the

Every day since losing my mum, I have to make the hardest choice.

I can be angry about everything I’ve lost, everything she’ll miss, and everything we didn’t get to have… or I can choose to be grateful for what we did have, and what I still have. 🤍

And one of the things I will forever be grateful for is that somehow, despite everything, my mum still got to be part of my wedding.

Just days before the wedding — and only three days before she passed away — we had a blessing at The Margaret Centre (Whipps Cross Hospital) so she could share that moment with us. I truly believe she hung on for that day.

I cannot thank the team there enough 🥹. Not only did they suggest the idea in the first place, but they organised everything in less than 24 hours, including arranging for Father Bernard to conduct the blessing and then taking time out of their day to join us.

After I got dressed, they realised we hadn’t even thought about flowers. Without hesitation, they ran to M&S, bought flowers for us and arranged them themselves. Just pure kindness during one of the hardest days.

When I arrived at my mum’s room that day, the first thing she said was: “You look pretty.”

I told her she did too.

The nurses had helped dress her in the outfit she’d originally chosen for my wedding before she became ill. They tied her headwrap, and put on the gratitude bracelet we’d chosen for the actual wedding day — a bracelet I’d already been wearing constantly whilst she was sick, and one I will rarely take off now. I added some earrings for her before getting dressed myself.

The sun shone for us that afternoon, so we were able to have the blessing outside in the garden, surrounded by so much love.

Another huge thank you goes to Kaye @fordtography. I’ve worked with Kaye for years and had already booked her for our wedding, and somehow the universe aligned for her to be available for the blessing too. Because of that, we now have the most precious photographs to treasure forever.

Losing my mum will never feel fair. But I will forever be grateful that she got this moment. That we got this moment. 🤍

Six weeks before my wedding day, my mum went into

Six weeks before my wedding day, my mum went into hospital.

When she was given a terminal diagnosis, her first question was:
“Will I make it to my daughter’s wedding day?”

That moment replays in my mind constantly. Even then, her priority was me. That was my mum all over — the most selfless person I’ve ever known.

Three weeks later, I was due to fly to Spain to host a retreat for LA REINE. I was ready to cancel everything, but she insisted I go. Partly because I’m self-employed and she didn’t want me losing income, and partly because she thought a change of environment — even for work — might give me a bit of mental relief from multiple daily hospital visits.

So I went.

I worked 15 hour days for 7 days straight (plus 3 additional days “prep”). I was originally meant to stay an extra day afterwards to recover, but with my mum still in hospital, I changed my flight home early with the help of a friend so I could surprise her.

The look on her face when I walked into her hospital room will stay with me forever.

A few days later, I received an email from the founder of LA REINE saying my “output, presence and leadership” hadn’t met expectations. Alarm bells immediately started ringing.

I sent my invoice. No response.

After multiple WhatsApp exchanges, I was then told I would not be paid for the retreat because I “hadn’t delivered 50%” of my work in March and April — conveniently adding up to withholding payment entirely for the week I had just hosted.

I keep extensive logs of my hours and work. I know this allegation is untrue.

I requested formal confirmation in writing explaining why payment was being withheld, but I still haven’t received it.

Legally, they still have time to pay. After that, I’ll begin legal proceedings.

Honestly, it feels like they saw someone at their most vulnerable and thought they could take advantage of that.

What they clearly didn’t realise is that I am my mother’s daughter. And there is absolutely no way I’m taking this lying down.

I’m so excited to share about my wedding, but befo

I’m so excited to share about my wedding, but before I do that, I need to caveat that beneath the surface of every smile, every moment of joy, is the deepest sadness because my mum is no longer here with me. In all the crazy scenarios my mind is ever able to create, losing her 5 days before my wedding never once crossed my mind.

I’ve spent my whole life dreading this chapter, if I’m honest. I always told my mum that the only person who could get me through the grief of losing her… was her.

But already, I realise that somehow, she prepared me for this. Because I am her.

She parented me (solo) in a way that allowed me to be myself, and to become all the things she felt she never could be because of her circumstances.

I remember once telling her she loved me too much. And honestly, I see now that she left me with just enough love to last a lifetime.

🕊️🤍✨

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