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I spend a lot of time looking back at pictures / v I spend a lot of time looking back at pictures / videos from before my mum got sick and marvelling at how simple life was before grief took up camp in my heart šŸ’” all the added stress hasn’t helped, but no-one can take away who I am šŸ’• whilst a lot of this thing called life is impermanent, eg pleasure and pain, who you choose to become will last a lifetime šŸ¤

And this too shall pass ā¤ļøā€šŸ”„

#womenscycling
May 2026 dump ✨ The month I got married. The mont May 2026 dump ✨

The month I got married.
The month I lost my mum.
The month I honeymooned.
The month I planned a funeral.
The month I said goodbye.

If you’d told me a few months ago that all of that would happen within a matter of weeks, I wouldn’t have believed you.

It’s hard to explain how the best and worst moments of your life can exist side by side. One minute you’re celebrating, the next you’re grieving. One minute you’re making memories, the next you’re holding on to them.

I’ve cried more than I thought possible. I’ve laughed when I didn’t think I could. I’ve been carried by family, friends and complete strangers. And somehow, through it all, life has kept moving.

May changed me.

Here’s a little snapshot of the chaos, the love, the heartbreak, the joy, and everything in between.

ā¤ļøšŸŒ¹šŸ’
Yesterday, we laid my mum to rest šŸ¤šŸ•ŠļøĀ  We celebra Yesterday, we laid my mum to rest šŸ¤šŸ•ŠļøĀ 

We celebrated her life exactly how she wanted to. Just love, stories, laughter, tears and the most beautiful flowers.

I asked for one single red rose so I could place it on her coffin before her committal. After doing so, I walked backwards to my seat because I couldn’t bring myself to turn my back on my mum.

Not in life.
Not now.
Not ever.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but also one of the greatest honours of my life.

My mum picked all the music for her ceremony but hadn’t chosen a song for her committal so I chose ā€œBlinded By Your Grace Pt. 2ā€ by Stormzy for her ā˜ŗļø My mum loved that song lol… I still laugh thinking about her proudly telling me she’d discovered a Stormzy track she really liked šŸ˜‚šŸ¤

I miss her so much already. But I’ll keep talking about her, remembering her, continuing her legacy and trying every day to make her proud.
You should meet my husband. AKA Modestas 🄹 Not be You should meet my husband. AKA Modestas 🄹

Not because he’s perfect.
But because loving someone properly is actually a skill… and that man has carried me through some of the hardest, heaviest, most beautiful seasons of my life.

He’s seen ambition, grief, stress, joy, chaos, exhaustion, excitement, anxiety and every version in between. The polished version. The messy version. The version that shuts down and the version that talks too much. šŸ˜‚

And through all of it, he’s never made me feel like I was ā€œtoo muchā€ to love.

I think people massively underestimate how much who you choose to build a life with shapes your entire life.

Your nervous system notices.
Your confidence notices.
Your healing notices.
Your joy notices.

Anyway… highly recommend marrying your best friend. šŸ¤
Every day since losing my mum, I have to make the Every day since losing my mum, I have to make the hardest choice. 

I can be angry about everything I’ve lost, everything she’ll miss, and everything we didn’t get to have… or I can choose to be grateful for what we did have, and what I still have. šŸ¤

And one of the things I will forever be grateful for is that somehow, despite everything, my mum still got to be part of my wedding.

Just days before the wedding — and only three days before she passed away — we had a blessing at The Margaret Centre (Whipps Cross Hospital) so she could share that moment with us. I truly believe she hung on for that day.

I cannot thank the team there enough 🄹. Not only did they suggest the idea in the first place, but they organised everything in less than 24 hours, including arranging for Father Bernard to conduct the blessing and then taking time out of their day to join us. 

After I got dressed, they realised we hadn’t even thought about flowers. Without hesitation, they ran to M&S, bought flowers for us and arranged them themselves. Just pure kindness during one of the hardest days.

When I arrived at my mum’s room that day, the first thing she said was: ā€œYou look pretty.ā€

I told her she did too.

The nurses had helped dress her in the outfit she’d originally chosen for my wedding before she became ill. They tied her headwrap, and put on the gratitude bracelet we’d chosen for the actual wedding day — a bracelet I’d already been wearing constantly whilst she was sick, and one I will rarely take off now. I added some earrings for her before getting dressed myself.

The sun shone for us that afternoon, so we were able to have the blessing outside in the garden, surrounded by so much love.

Another huge thank you goes to Kaye @fordtography. I’ve worked with Kaye for years and had already booked her for our wedding, and somehow the universe aligned for her to be available for the blessing too. Because of that, we now have the most precious photographs to treasure forever.

Losing my mum will never feel fair. But I will forever be grateful that she got this moment. That we got this moment. šŸ¤

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